


Not this time

by twdeadfanfic



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, stuff like that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-11
Updated: 2019-02-11
Packaged: 2019-10-26 12:44:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17746133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twdeadfanfic/pseuds/twdeadfanfic
Summary: When the prison falls you find yourself alone with baby Judith, running away from the chaos to save the baby, your heart breaking at the loss of your home, your friends, your family, your love…You were once unable to keep your own baby safe, will you be able to keep Judith safe now?





	Not this time

**Author's Note:**

> This was a request, "Could you write something like the Daryl and reader have been together a while (like since the farm or something) and she had a baby that she lost as the apocalypse started to a walker and then when the prison falls and she ends up alone with Judith and has to keep her alive but she thinks she’ll loose her like her own and she find everyone after carol blows up terminus."

You ran through the woods, baby Judith strapped to you with an improvised baby slinger. You didn’t know where you were going, you didn’t care, all you knew was that you had to run away.

You were out of breath but you couldn’t stop. Baby Judith was crying her lungs out and you tried to shush her without stopping running. She wasn’t stopping, though, and so you shoved her pacifier into her mouth and tried to hold it in place with your hand as you run so she couldn’t spit it out. It was cruel, but it was better than her cries bringing walkers and Governor’s men to you.

The prison had fallen.

You never thought it could happen, but it had. Your home was gone. Your people were gone. Your friends, your family, your love…no, you couldn’t let yourself think about them, about him, or you’d break down. You had to focus only on running away from there, from the deadly men and the sea of walkers that had invaded the prison, more and more as they were attracted to the sound.

You kept running and running, panting as your lungs burned, your legs shaking and hurting, but you couldn’t stop. Eventually, though, you couldn’t keep going and you fell to the ground, holding Judith.

You were covered in sweat, panting hard, exhausted. Judith spat the pacifier and began crying. You wanted to cry too but you couldn’t let yourself do it, or else you wouldn’t be able to stop.

“Shhh…shh…” You tried to shush the baby, rocking her. Judith must be terrified and you weren’t sure you could calm her but finally she stopped, holding to you. She must be desperate to be with her family and the people she loved, but she was stuck with you.

You had never spent too much time taking care of Judith, you loved her but looking at her, especially the first months, had been like a stab to the heart, bringing back memories that were always present anyway, but in a more painful way.

Daryl had loved her so much, he had loved to spend time with her, you couldn’t believe it when you saw how good he was taking care of her. It was a mix of feelings, from loving how cute and sweet they looked, to the painful wonder of how Daryl might have been with…no, no, don’t think about her now.

Daryl…don’t think about him either.

But it was too late, and you chocked a sob, closing your eyes tight so the tears wouldn’t escape…you had to stop it, you had to shut it, it hurt too much. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be able to keep going and be there for Judith.

But what was the point anymore? Who were you kidding, being stuck with you, Judith was doomed. Just like…no, no, you couldn’t think about her, you had to stop the memories. You had to keep Judith safe.

Still, hot, silent tears fell down your eyes. Judith was pouting as she looked around, scared, and you rubbed your eyes before rocking her again, talking softly to her. Maybe she was hungry, but you had nothing for her.

You had to do something, but you didn’t know what. You couldn’t just stay there.

Once you recovered your breath and your legs stopped shaking, you got up and began walking again, though you didn’t know where. You had to find a refugee, but you didn’t know how, and you needed supplies, but neither knew where to find them, and doing it alone had always been dangerous. You couldn’t survive like that. Still, you kept walking, you had to.

You tried not to think, tried not to let your mind wander, tried to focus only on taking one step after the other, paying full attention to your surroundings and keeping Judith quiet. But you couldn’t help yourself.

Images of the prison flooded your mind. The strong, tall fences that protected your home for so long giving up to the tank, which fired to bring down the stone walls. And your family…

You couldn’t stop seeing Hershel as he was beheaded by the Governor, his men firing and firing their guns to your people. You didn’t know where everyone was…

You had tried to stay next to Daryl, but you had gotten separated, you didn’t know how, and you hadn’t been able to find him again. Nor him, nor anyone. And then you had seen baby Judith, crying on her chair, and you had known you had to take her and ran away from the bullets and the walkers.

Where were your people now? Had they made it out of the prison? Or were they dead? You had seen people running but you had seen dead bodies too. You bit your lip so you wouldn’t whimper aloud and you wouldn’t scare Judith, but silent tears rolled down your cheeks at the idea of your family being slaughtered by the Governor.

And Daryl…that hurt too much.

Daryl couldn’t be dead. No, no, he couldn’t. Daryl was a survivor, he wouldn’t die like that. Daryl didn’t die, he had survived it all. He had to be out there, alive, somewhere. You wouldn’t see him again, and you shook with silent sobs, but that was better than the idea of him being dead.

Daryl was the best thing you had gotten after the dead began walking and slaughtering everything, the only that had managed to make you happy.

You hadn’t talked much with him until you arrived at the Greene’s farm. Back at the quarry, you didn’t talk much with anyone, closed on yourself, hurting. But then Sophia had disappeared and you couldn’t stand the idea of losing another kid, it had been too much for you, and so you had joined Daryl’s search, admiring how he never seemed to give up.

Most times it had only been you and him together, mostly in silence since neither of you was talkative, but the awkward silence had soon given in to comfortable silence and silent communication. And then to some words, little conversations, and then to some more, and some more, both of you growing closer to each other than you did to anyone else. And you didn’t know how, you had ended up having confusing feelings for him.

But then, Sophia was dead and it had almost ended yours and Daryl’s blossoming friendship. Daryl had retreated from the group, angry and upset, and you had done the same. The death of Sophia after your hopeful search with Daryl had been too much for you and had triggered horrible memories that you fought hard to keep deep inside you, and you had isolated yourself.

To your surprise, it had been Daryl who, barely a couple of days later, had gone to you, after he noticed you missing from the group’s meetings as they discussed what to do after having to face more and more problems. Gently, more gentle than you had thought Daryl could be, with comforting silences as he just sat down next to you getting arrows ready while keeping you company and with soft words, he had coaxed you back to the group and away from your painful memories. It had made you begin to wonder if he might feel for you the same confusing feelings that you felt for him.

After that, more horrors had hit all of you hard, first with the death of Dale and then losing the Greene’s farm to a massive herd of walkers that still haunted you in dreams. But that had only brought you and Daryl closer, and slowly your friendship had developed into something else.

Neither of you had spoken about it, hadn’t put a label to whatever you had, but you both knew that you were together and you loved each other, and slowly you had found yourself being happy again, thanks to him.

And now he had been taken away from you.

You couldn’t help it and you let out a whimper. Judith whimpered too, reaching up to poke your face with her tiny finger as she pouted. “It’s okay, sweetheart, we are okay…” You rocked her as you kept walking, and you hoped she believed your words because you didn’t.

The sun was going down and you hadn’t found any kind of refugee. You were starting to feel more than desperate. You thought you heard running water close and you walked towards it, finding a stream. It wasn’t a refugee at all, but you would have to stay there for the night.

You kneeled on the bank, taking a rag from your pocket, the only thing you had besides your gun and knife, and dipped it into the water. Then, you used it to help Judith drink, squeezing it to make the water fall slowly into her mouth. It took her a bit to get the hang of it but finally she did, she was a fast learner.

She wouldn’t go dehydrated, but you had nothing to feed her. Now she ate purees, but you had nothing to make one, neither knew what you could find in those woods. Even if you could hunt like Daryl, you couldn’t give the meat like that to Judith.

Still, you couldn’t go to search for anything to give her, it was almost dark already. She’d have to hang on water until tomorrow, and you felt terrible, but you were out of ideas.

You hadn’t eaten in all day, but you didn’t feel the hunger. Still, you knew you had to drink, and mindful of Judith, you made a bowl with your hands and drank until you fill your empty stomach.

Then, you leaned against a trunk and hold Judith tight to you, cooing her and rocking her, trying to coax her into sleeping. It took what felt like hours, but finally she fell asleep. You were exhausted, but you didn’t let yourself sleep, you had to be alert so no walker wound sneak of you.

The night fell eternal, scared and brokenhearted as you were, haunted by your memories and thoughts, but finally, the sun rose. You stood still and quiet so as Judith could sleep for as long as possible, but she woke up soon and began crying. The poor thing must be starving and missing her family.

You managed to give her more water and quiet her, but you needed to feed her and you needed it sound, not to mention you had to find shelter. Still not knowing what to do or where to go, you began walking following the stream so at the very least you’d have water close.

You didn’t know how long you spend walking and walking without stopping, until a bush with berries caught your eye. It was similar to one that had grown next to the prison so you knew it was edible. You took as many berries as you could fit in your rag and went to wash them in the stream. Then, you washed your hands too and proceeded to mash the berries with your fingers enough so you could feed them to Judith. It wasn’t ideal, but it was all you could do, and at least Judith wouldn’t be hungry.

Eaten a couple of berries yourself, you cleaned the rag, used them to help Judith drink again, and then you refilled it with more berries and began walking again.

By the time the sun was going down, you still hadn’t found any refugee and so you settle down for another sleepless night. You repeated the process of mashing the berries, feeding Judith, helping her drink to keep her hydrated, and then cooed her and rocked her until she fell asleep.

You needed to find shelter so you could sleep or else you know you couldn’t keep going, not to mention you were bound to find walkers, you had been lucky for now. And you needed more food for Judith, the berries would stop her from being hungry, but she needed proteins, and carbs, and all those things that berries only didn’t have.

Ignoring the way in which your stomach growled of hunger, you settled down to keep watch, again feeling like an eternity passed until the sun rose.

You were beyond exhausted but you forced yourself to repeat the same routine than the day before. Feed Judith, give her water, eat the last two berries yourself, keep walking.

The only change was that you encountered walkers, a small group. They didn’t notice you, though, and you managed to keep Judith quiet enough for you to hide until they were far. You kept walking and walking, feeling like a robot, you didn’t want to feel your physical pain, your exhaustion, your emotional pain, your memories, you had to keep all that away…

You were resigned to spend yet another sleepless night next to the stream when you saw it, a small cabin further into the woods. You approached it carefully, but it seemed to be empty of walkers and people. It was tiny and old, and in bad shape, but it’d be good enough to hole up. There wasn’t any food inside but there were trees and bushes on the small garden and you found that some of them had berries and nuts.

You had found some pots, and you filled one with berries, going back to the stream to wash them, and filling another pot with water so you wouldn’t have to make more travels.

Back in the cabin, you locked the door with a chair and placed a blanket you had found on the floor of the kitchen, settling down Judith there as you worked on the gas kitchen, heating the berries until they become some sort of puree. You had picked up several nuts too and you began working on them, trying to crush them with some stones until you made a semi sort of paste that Judith could eat. It was hard, it took you a long, long while, but finally you managed. You ate a little bit but left most of it to Judith, she needed it, and still you knew it wasn’t enough. But it’d have to do.

You let yourself sleep that night, even if only for a couple of hours, knowing that you couldn’t keep going without sleep and hoping the cabin was safe enough. It seemed that as soon as you closed your eyes, nightmares haunted you. Daryl had helped to keep them at bay, to calm you down when you had one, but now you were alone again.

You saw baby Judith, going thinner and pale, cadaveric, until she died of hunger in your arms. You saw her, playing, unaware of the walkers approaching her, and you were frozen unable to move or let out any sound. The walkers got to her, but she wasn’t baby Judith anymore, she was your baby, the one that you lost.

Your baby girl.

She hadn’t even made it out of the town and it was all your fault. You had been so useless, you didn’t know anything about walkers, what they were, how to kill them, how to protect yourself from them, but you knew they were dangerous and so you had joined the people evacuating the town, the military promising to get you all to a safe place.

But you had been ambushed by a bunch of those things, slaughtering a lot of people until the military put them all down, but not before they had gotten your baby girl. It was all your fault.

The military had urged everyone to move, to get into their trucks, but you hadn’t been unable to move, in shock, lashing against anyone who tried to approach you, and they had left you there. You didn’t care. You didn’t want to be alive anymore. Let the monsters eat you too.

Just a few hours later, though, a car stopped next to you, and that’s how you met T-Dog and Glenn. Now that you knew how most of the people that were left in the world were, you knew how lucky you had been it had been them who found you. You had been still in shock, but they had spoken to you softly, gently, and finally coaxing you into joining them. And then you three found the quarry and joined Shane’s camp.

And you kept yourself away from people, closed off. Until the Greene’s farm. Until Daryl.

You always had nightmares almost every single night, and you couldn’t hide them from Daryl once you began sleeping next to each other. He never asked you, though, just hold you and assured you that you were okay, until you calmed down. After about a month, though, there was a particularly rough night in which he asked you if you wanted to talk about it, but didn’t pressure you into it. You didn’t want to.

Eventually, though, you did. You told him everything, and Daryl let you speak and cry without saying anything, just holding you and stroking your air. He seemed surprised to know you’d had a baby, and at first he’d seemed a bit helpless, as if he didn’t know what to say, but he’d tried to comfort you, to tell you it hadn’t been your fault, but you couldn’t believe it.

He helped make the pain more bearable, though, helped you deal with the nightmares, with the memories, until you could remember your baby without it always making you break down. He helped you with the nightmares that now were back at haunting you, worse now that they also had Daryl and Judith to torture you with.

You spent the next few days like that, in that cabin, haunted by memories and nightmares that barely let you sleep. Most of the times it was your baby, you saw her die in different ways, sometimes it was Judith, sometimes both. Other times you get to hold your baby only to watch her disappear from your arms as if she had never been there. Other times it was Daryl.

There was a particularly horrible night in which you saw Daryl, he was in your old house, downstairs, holding your baby, even in dreams he was so damn good with kids, you knew he’d have been great with your baby. You were upstairs, almost crying of happiness at being reunited with him and your girl. You tried to walk down the stairs to them but you couldn’t, each time you reached the bottom new steps were added to the stairs, again, and again, and again. But you had to join them. You yelled, fought, did everything you could until finally you jumped down the stairs. You did it! You ran to them but then you just…walked through them, as they dissolved as if they were smoke. You woke up crying and yelling like in your dream, scaring baby Judith out of her sleep and feeling totally devastated, unable to stop crying for hours. You didn’t dare to sleep for another day, afraid of dreaming again.

And so days passed, with you barely sleeping, going from nightmare to nightmare, feeding Judith with berries and nuts, forcing yourself to eat a little bit each day, but you knew you couldn’t keep going like that. Judith might not be starving, but you knew she was lacking nutrients and you thought she looked thinner each day. You couldn’t just keep feeding her like that, or else you were sure you might see her die, just like you saw your baby girl. You couldn’t take care of a baby, it seemed, maybe Judith had been doomed the moment you took her with you. You needed real supplies, but you were still at loss of how to find them.

Maybe it was time to leave the woods, though that sounded beyond dangerous, not to mention you didn’t know where you were. Still, one day you decided you had to try. If it didn’t result or if it turned dangerous, you could always backtrack and go back to the cabin.

You decided to walk away from the stream, making sure to know by the position of the sun that the cabin was at the east so you could go back. Taking as many cans with berries and nuts paste, and water as you could in a bag you had found in the cabin, you strapped Judith tightly to you with the scarf and began walking.

You spent walking through the woods two days, with their two sleepless nights, without getting anywhere. It was time to go back to the cabin, sleep, maybe try another direction. You weren’t sure if you were going to be able to make it without sleeping another two days, you’d already been lacking sleep, and with how hungry you had been too, it was making it hard for you to keep thinking straight, you felt light headed and numb. But you had to keep going, for Judith.

She didn’t cry anymore, as if she was getting used to this life, accepting it, maybe you should do the same. Or maybe she was too weak to cry. Maybe you were killing her. You wouldn’t be surprised.

A rustle coming from some bushes near you took you out of your thoughts and you were pretty sure that whatever was making that noise was alive, it wasn’t a walker, and that made it more dangerous.

You looked around but before you could hide, you caught a glimpse of whatever or whoever was moving, and you found yourself frozen in place.

Daryl.

It couldn’t be. There was no way.

He seemed to be hunting, crossbow ready in front of him, a rabbit hanging from his belt. He turned around and saw you, his eyes widening in surprise.

“Y/N?”

His voice. But it couldn’t be possible. You must be hallucinating of lack of sleep and hunger. It wasn’t real. It was breaking your heart to look at him, knowing it was just in your mind.

He ran to you but stopped before reaching you as if he saw something on your face. “Y/N?” he repeated softly, approaching you carefully and slowly now. “Y/N, Y/N it’s me.”

You shook your head, tears rolling down your cheeks, looking down so you didn’t have to see him. There was no way you could find him in the middle of nowhere. You just hoped the illusion disappeared soon because it hurt too much.

He was next to you now, his eyes widening when he saw the scarf was holding Judith to you. He held his hands out and then, slowly and carefully, placed one on your arm, squeezing ever so gently.

“It’s me.”

“Daryl?” You still couldn’t quite believe it but now you could feel him too, but you were scared this was all a sick trick of your mind. “Is this real?”

“Yes, it is real.” He swallowed hard, you could see his eyes getting wet and you reached out a hand but didn’t touch him, so Daryl took your hand, holding it between his, and he didn’t dissolve or disappear. Maybe he was real…

“How?“ was the only thing you could say but Daryl didn’t say anything, he just pulled you into his arms, mindful of Judith, and you melted into him, though you were still in shock.

You didn’t know how long you spent just holding each other, you didn’t care, but eventually Daryl pulled away, pressings a kiss to your forehead.

“I thought… I don’t know what I thought, that I’d lost you, I couldn’t find you, I thought maybe you died there…” Daryl’s voice was tight with emotion and even in your dumbfounded state, you didn’t like it and you pulled at his hand to kiss his knuckles.

“I knew you weren’t dead. You survive it all.” You were finally finding your voice though you still felt like in a haze.

“I thought I’d left you, I thought I’d never see you again.” Daryl sounded guilty and you hated it, but his words just reminded you how impossible this was. Maybe you had fallen asleep, exhausted, and you were dreaming. It felt a bit like a dream, but when you laced your fingers, Daryl didn’t felt like a dream. He leaned to kiss your lips, and it felt real.

You saw he had tears on his cheeks and you reached out to cups his face and wipe them, brushing your thumbs over his cheekbones. It hurt to see him cry. “Don’t be sad.”

Daryl shook his head letting out a weak chuckle. “Ain’t sad, darlin’.” He pressed his lips to yours again, and each time it felt more real. When he pulled back he looked at you, frowning, taking in your pale face, the deep dark circles under your clouded eyes. “Y/N, are you okay?”

“Just can’t believe this is real.” You were afraid of letting you believe it just for Daryl to disappear like mist. “I fear I fell asleep and when I weak up you’ll be gone again.”

“I ain’t going nowhere, I’m never leaving you again.” He squeezed your hand tight, but you could only nod, still finding it difficult to speak. Daryl looked down a Judith, a small smile spreading across his face, and he reached out to brush a finger down her cheek gently. “Hi there, sweetheart, it’s so good to see you.” Judith smiled, babbling happily, she always loved Daryl. “Rick and Carl ain’t gonna believe it.”

“What, Rick and Carl? Are they okay? Are they with you?” You were even more dumbfounded.

Daryl smiled at you. “Yeah, and Carol, Michonne, Maggie, Glenn, T-Dog, Sasha and Bob, we found each other.”

“But how?” It sounded so impossible, so surreal, you were starting to fear again that this was indeed a dream. “Where?”

Something dark crossed Daryl’s face but he shook his head. “Doesn’t matter now. What happened to you?”

You tried to think but everything was blurry. “I couldn’t find you. I couldn’t find anyone. But I saw Judith and I took her and I ran, and I ran, but I didn’t know where to go or what to do. I spent some days out in the woods, but I found a cabin, but we hadn’t supplies so I left two days ago, I think, I don’t know…I had to find something for Judith, I was feeding her just berries and nuts, I think I’m starving her…” Everything was catching up to you, all your emotions, your exhaustion, and you began to cry, shaking with sobs, you couldn’t help it. “I thought I’d kill her of hunger, or walkers would get her, or anything.”

“Hey, hey, darlin’, it’s okay, it’s okay.” Daryl tried to shush you softly, holding you to him, and you could only beg this was real.

You pulled back so you could look at him. “I don’t want this to be a dream.” You whimpered. You’d rather have your terrifying nightmares than a dream as cruel as this.

“It’s not a dream, promise.” He assured you, helping you believe it. Daryl kissed your tear-stained cheek and your forehead before wrapping an arm around your shoulders. “Come on, let’s go with the others, you have to eat and rest.”

You let him guide you, silent, glancing at him from time to time, afraid he’d disappear. The reunion with the others was emotional, especially with Rick and Carl realizing you had baby Judith too, but also overwhelming. Their worry, their happiness to see you, their questions, it was welcomed, it was good meaning, but you were so exhausted that it was a bit too much too.

Carol noticed and told everyone to give you some space while she cooked something with the rabbit Daryl had brought. Not to Daryl, though, you both hadn’t let go of each other hand. He guided you to sat down on the ground with him on top of a blanket, wrapping his arm around you, keeping you close as he gave you worried glances.

It felt totally real now. It was real. You were back with your family. Back with Daryl. You were happy, but beyond exhausted, and you felt you couldn’t handle all your emotions, you couldn’t stop yourself from crying again. The others looked at you worriedly, but Daryl said nothing, just hold you close.

“I’m sorry.” You whimpered. “I’m so happy, but I’m so tired…” You thought you weren’t making any sense. “I’m sorry.”

“Ain’t nothing to be sorry about.” Daryl kissed your temple, holding you to him.

Carol finished the stew, giving a bowl to Rick so he could feed Judith the soup, and another to you. You realized at that moment how hungry you were, your stomach growling and twisting painfully. You devoured the stew and then cuddle with Daryl again, his arms comfortably and warm around you, and before you knew it you had fallen asleep, without nightmares disturbing you for the first time in days.

When you woke up, everything was dark around you and you were lying on the blanket, Daryl next to you, his arm around you. He was awake, looking over you, and you reached out to brush your fingers over his cheek. He was still there. He wasn’t a dream. A smile spread across your face, making Daryl smile too.

“Are you feeling better?” He whispered to you and you nodded, you were fed, you had slept, you were back with your family, back to Daryl, Judith was alive. You turned so you could hide your face into Daryl’s chest, snuggling to him.

“I thought I’d never see you again.” You said quietly. “I thought everyone was dead, I thought I was going to die out there.” You hadn’t cared, though, if it weren’t because of Judith. “I thought Judith was going to die too, that I’d let her die. I thought I was killing her of hunger, I might have been, I had nothing to feed her.” You closed your eyes but your tears escaped anyway. “Or that…that a walker would get her, like…” You tailed off and Daryl held you closer.

“You saved her, you kept her safe, she’s here thanks to you.” He murmured running his fingers through your hair, though you couldn’t quite believe it, but you said nothing. “Get back to sleep.”

“I dreamed with her, with my baby girl. I had so many nightmares. And with you…and I saw you with her.” You swallowed hard as you tried to picture it again. “I wish it’d been real, that she could have been here with us.” You didn’t know if Daryl would have liked it, though, even though he seemed to like kids and was so good with Judith.

“I would have liked that too.” You felt him press a kiss to the top of your hair and you smiled through your tears, holding tight to him.

“Seems I didn’t let the baby die this time.” You murmured weakly.

“You didn’t let any baby die, ever.” Gently, Daryl pulled you slightly away from him to look at you. “I told you plenty of times already.” You could just shrug, you didn’t think you’d ever stop feeling like that about your baby girl, even if Daryl made it feel less painful than once it had felt.

“I just…after my baby girl…and Sophia…I couldn’t let Judith die too, I don’t think I could have taken it, I couldn’t…” You snuggled closer to him again.

“That ain’t happening.” Daryl wrapped his arm around you tightly, nuzzling into your hair. “We aren’t losing anyone else. Not kid of us is dying alright? Nor Judith, nor anyone.”

You said nothing, just smiled and snuggled closer. With Daryl holding you close, making you feel warm and protected, finally both you and Judith safe, you found yourself believing his words.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you all for reading! I hope you liked it! If you have a moment, please let me know your thoughts in the comments, your feedback makes my day!
> 
> As always, English is not my first language so sorry if there are mistakes.


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